Tripped 'em up with a hockey stick, no big deal

LONG post here this morning, but it's mostly Trailer Park Boys quotes I've copied and pasted from wikiquote. I first put these together for a buddy of mine who's in jail and may be there for awhile, figuring it might cheer him up a bit. Then figured I may as well copy the whole thing and stick it on my blog.... so enjoy (whether you're on the inside or out):


Bubbles: "Holy f---k boys, this shed is like a f---g palace! Indoor plumbing (toilet seat inside), satellite tv, 400 channels, anything I wanna watch, it's right there, space for my kitties, Mobile phone, new technology (holds up an ancient mobile phone), this is the best f----g shed there ever was!"


********************


Ricky: Randy, come back here for a second.
Randy: What's up, Rick?
Ricky: Listen man, if you go down to the store and pick me up some jalapeno (pronounces it "ja-lap-ano") chips and two dollars worth of pepperoni, I'll hang out with you for a bit.
Bubbles: Yeah, and get me some f---n' gummy worms and stuff.
Randy: Gummy worms, okay. Jalapeño chips. Pepperoni. You want anything, Julian?
Julian: (shakes his head no)
Randy: Does anyone else want anything while I'm down there?
Julian: (changes his mind) Yeah, pick me up a bag of "hal-a-peeno" chips.
Randy: Alright.
Ricky: "Hal-a-peeno?" What flavor is that?
Julian: Ricky, the J is silent. You're saying it wrong.
Bubbles: The J is like an H, Ricky. "Hal-a-peeno," not "ja-lap-ano."
Ricky: What in the f--k are you guys talking about?
Bubbles: "Hal-a-peeno!" That's how you pronounce it.
Ricky: I know how to pronounce it! I ordered f---n' "ja-lap-ano!"
**************

Bubbles: Well, Ricky's been living in the Shitmobile for... I don't know how many years now. Julian gave it to him when he had no place to go and... Ricky goes on about it, you know, how much he hates the f---n' thing, but he's lived in it so long I think he really... he'd really miss it if he didn't have it.
Ricky: There's a lot of history, you know, in this car. I've been living in this car and its been a big part of my life, but... You know, its f---d me around quite a bit. Sometimes it stalls on you and it doesn't work right. You get to need to go somewhere and it's like 'No, you're not f-----g going anywhere because I'm gonna f----n' stall on ya' and it pisses you off!
Bubbles: It was Julian's grandmother who owned it originally and she left it to Julian. And that's probably how most of the damage got done because she used to drive around here drunk all the time, smashing into poles and stuff. You think Julian goes around with a drink a lot, you shoulda saw her!
[the Shitmobile stalls out]
Ricky: Yeah, you know what's comin', don't ya? You know what's gonna happen to you tonight!
Bubbles: You know, he's always kicking it and being mean to it, but he loves that ol' Yorker.
[Bubbles unwraps a Tootsie Pop]
Bubbles: Purple!

***********
Julian: So, Luce, can I ask you something?
Lucy: Yeah, what?
Julian: What's up with this lawsuit thing?
Sarah: Look, Ricky doesn't even understand what child support is, Julian. He doesn't get the f-----g concept.
Lucy: I figure that a law suit will sorta clear his head a little, make him a little bit more responsible.
Sarah: No, I don't f-----g think so. The only way Ricky is gonna get any smarter is if he dies and comes back as a turnip. He just keeps on getting stupider, Julian.

**********

[after knocking Cory and Trevor off of Julian's ice cream bikes]
Ricky: Tripped 'em up with a hockey stick, no big deal, and fired a few shots at them. the way I see it I bought the bikes, I own 'em. Just like owning a target. You shoot at that, I shot at the bikes. Then Julian's got this attitude and fires a bullet at my brand new car! Real nice! So I fired a shot at his new car. Spy for a spy, that's the way it works around here.

*************

Judge: Richard, since you chose to defend yourself and fire the public defender, I guess it's your turn to question the witness.
Ricky: Thank you, Your Majesty.
Judge: And Richard, before you begin, I'd like to say that I think this is a very bad idea. However, you do have a right to defend yourself, so proceed, but please remember to watch your language.
Ricky: Look, I can't speak without swearing, and I've only got my grade ten, and I haven't had a cigarette since I've been arrested, and I'm ready to f----n' snap. So I'd like to make a request under the people's freedom of choices and voices act that I be able to smoke and swear in your courtroom. Because if I can't smoke and swear, I'm f-----d! And so are all these guys. I won't be able to properly express myself at a court level, and that's bulls--t! It's not fair and if you ask me, I think it's a f-----n' mistrial.
Prosecutor: This man can't represent anyone... Your Honor! He's a complete and total idiot!
Judge: Now although I am opposed to that kind of language in my courtroom, I'm going to allow it, as unfortunately it is part of your right to a fair trial. So you may proceed, but please, I want to remind you that this is not a carnival. Richard, you have permission to smoke and swear.
Ricky: Thank you. I just gotta get some cigarettes, actually.
[Ricky walks over to the prosecutor's desk and snaps his fingers]
Ricky: Let's go, smokes!
Prosecutor: But I've only got two left!
Ricky: I don't care. You've been a dick all morning, it's the least you can do for me!
Prosecutor: Oh, for the love of god...
[Several members of the prosecution start to light cigarettes]
Judge: Just the defendant, please.
Ricky: My first order of business is to tell the prosecutor to shut the f--k up and wipe that stupid f---g grin off his face because it's distraculating my case.
Ricky: The defense rests, everybody can f--k off. Except you (points to the magistrate) I didn't mean you. But those two guys, and him (pointing to the prosecutor). (to camera man) Could you guys get the f--k out of the way? Please!

**************

[Bubble's Rap]
I got a grey kitty, white one, and a tabby too/
And a big orange guy who put snakes in my shoes/
Mad MC skills, leave ya struck, and I roll with ma kitties, and I'm hard as f--k/
I am down with Plato and Socrates/
And I like to get busy with all the ladies./
Grunt, grunt/
somethin', somethin', somethin', somethin'/
Grunt/
Up in my shed, up in my shed...ya bitches

************
J-Roc: Like, I'll go to f---n' jail, you know what I'm sayin', 'cause I'm hard, right? I ain't shook about goin' to jail. But it's like, I kinda like my freedom, too, at the same time, know what I mean?

***********

Ricky: There is nothing better than being in jail at Christmas. Guards let you party for twelve days straight, got no f---n' work chores or book readin's or Christmas trees or giving gifts or f---n' lights... F---k all that bullshit! (To other prisoners) Let's get f----d up!
Guard: Ricky, you got somebody here to see you.
Ricky: What are you talking about?
[Bubbles is warming up as Ricky walks into the room]
Ricky: Bubbles! What are you doing here, buddy?
Bubbles: Hey Ricky! Julian bailed you out! You're out!
Ricky: What?
Bubbles: Get your stuff!
Ricky: No, Bubbs, no! I got twelve days of partying. Come back in twelve days, buddy.
Bubbles: Ricky, what are you talking about? Come on, we getting you out! Sign out!
Ricky: Oh my f--k! I don't wanna leave now! What the f---k's he doing bailing me out? F--k! Thiebaud! Thiebaud, go get my s---t. Apparently I'm out. Christmas is f----n' ruined.

*****************

Bubbles: My God, Ricky! I think it's a letter from my mom! (reading letter aloud) Dear Bubbles: Merry Christmas. Sorry we're not there with you. It was the hardest thing we've ever done, when me and your dad had to pack up and leave you, but some very dangerous men were coming after your daddy, for his gambling, fighting and shooting his mouth off, drunk down at the legion. We never wanted to put you into any jeopardy so we had to leave fast. Hopefully some day you'll understand. P.S.: I've asked Julian's grandmother if you could stay with them for a bit. She said no problem, Julian would look after you. You're lucky you have a friend like Julian and that Richard boy who you try to help out with his school work.

***************

[Ricky is making bacon on the stove in Ray's burnt-down trailer]
Ricky: Hey, Dad!
Ray: Hey, buddy.
Ricky: Cookin' some bacon for you, buddy.
Ray: Smells good, buddy.
Ricky: There's only three pieces left, but I'll give it to you so long as I can have the grease.
Ray: You can have the grease, buddy.
Ricky: Cool.
Ray: Bacon frying and the sparrows chirpin', Rick. It's all about the bacon and the sparrows, buddy.
Ricky: Dad, what the f--k are you talking about?
Ray: I'm talking about the sparrows, Rick. The sparrows in the Bible, buddy. You know, nothing to worry about. I'm not worried, the trailer's burned down, the sparrows aren't worried, nobody's worried.
Ricky: Sparrows are stupid, Dad. They don't give a f--k about anything.
Ray: Exactly my point, Rick. Maybe God forgives you for burning down my trailer, Rick. That's the point I'm trying to make this morning.
Ricky: Does ol' Goddy-boy forgive you for getting lap dances and playing VLTs? (video lottery terminals)
Ray: I don't... What's your point, Rick? There's nothing wrong with playing VLTs and gettin' drunk.
Ricky: You want some f---n' bacon or not?
Ray: Yes, Rick. I do. Rick, there's another point: We should be thankful for the bacon we're having this morning, because where do you think the bacon came from, Rick?
Ricky: From a cow.

************************

Ricky: Bubbles, are you sure we gotta play space here? This is kind of stupid.
Bubbles: Come on, Ricky, look at this! This is awesome! Mission control this is Commander Bubbles. I'm getting an NPS warning light on the link monitor control subsystem. I'm requesting reallocation to main OMS firing to CDS at level six, please advise.
Julian: Copy there, Commander. Reallocating there, Commander Bubbles.
Bubbles: Try some, Ricky!
Ricky: (sighs) Breaker breaker, come in Earth. This is rocket ship 27. Aliens f----d over the carbinator in engine number 4, I'm gonna try to refuckulate it and land on Juniper. Ah, hopefully they got some space weed, over... How's that buddy? I don't f---n' know!
Bubbles: Ricky, that's not very good. Use space words, real ones, not talkin' about space weed!

***************

Ricky: The thing with me is that I AM smart and I'm smelf, I'm self smarted, basically, by myself, basically from nature and smoking drugs and doing different things I've self… s… like self learned myself. And that's the whole difference I guess is that I don't need the books or the schooling type things. I just get everything on my own and because of that I'm alive right now. I mean if I had read more books or tried to go on to collage and different things like that I'd be dead right now because people say books and collage are for to be make you smarter, but they can also be for to be make you dead, which is what could have happened to me. My brain doesn't use enough oxygen because I don't have the whole thing filled with different stuff and if it was full, it's only part full, and that's why I'm alive right now. The guards are giving me here, you know, read this book, try to get smarter but I'm like, alright, I'll pretend to read it but I'm not going to really read it cause my brain will be more full and if I have another heart attack I'm going to die... I just wanna get out of here now and spend time with Lucy and Trinity and get my family going again. Basically that's all that matters to me. They come to visit me a couple times in jail for the first time ever which is awesome, Lucy seems to be really digging me and looking really good and I just wanna get out of here and see them, exercise a bit, maybe eat better and try to quit smoking. I'm going to quit smoking cigarettes first, and then, you know, work off the dope or whatever eventually, although I don't know.